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An open letter to that judging mum

This is an open letter to the judging mum standing there pretending to be perfect and sweet. I have had many conversations with you in the past, all of which have been pleasant and while I wouldn’t say we are friends, I would say we interact in a friendly manner. This may be out of convenience or because we have mutual friends and it’s the polite thing to do. Your usual sweet and cheerful persona was different today though, you were judging and rude but quiet enough that only I heard.

As you know about a month ago I looked into joining the local gym to improve my fitness and as much as I would love to work off some excess weight from pregnancy; there are a couple of factors holding me back. One being the cost – at $22.95 per week, totalling just under $100 per month for 12 months. That is an obscene amount of money right now for me. The second is that I have a one year old at home with me, if Mr C is working she would then incur additional charges for creche. Just in case the initial gym fee wasn’t enough already.

The afternoon chit chat began as usual this afternoon with the ‘hey how was your weekend, get up to anything exciting, etc.’ Which somehow lead you to tell me I have had my hairdresser colouring my hair wrong and that I should not get the bottom coloured any more just just get the top done. (My hair is balayage – with darker on top and lightening until you get to the ends). You ‘judging mum’ were on a roll and the conversation changed as you asked me if I had been to the gym ‘yet‘. I emphasise the yet because you did. I replied with a pleasant but exhausted ‘No not as yet, I’ve been really busy lately’ to which you responded with a knarky “We’re all busy!” and you turned away.

I completely understand everyone is busy but I also understand that we all have different priorities and are in different stages of life. While you ‘judging mum’ have your youngest child in school 5 days a week, my youngest is 1. She is at home with me everyday of the week. You work but so do I. You have 2 children, I have 3; two of which I help with homework every afternoon during the week in addition to everything else that is required from me as a mother. We both have houses that need to be kept, bills to be paid and dinner to be cooked.

But before you judge me about how I choose to wear/cut/colour my hair or *shock horror* if I eat that cupcake and don’t go to the gym – know that if given the choice of spending my only 2 spare hours of day with my family or going to the gym, I will choose my husband and kids each and every time. They are my priority; not that it is any of your damn business!

judging mum

This is me – with the wrong hair and not a member of a gym.

 

Have you encountered a judging mum? How did you react?

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30 Comments

  1. Deborah osborne
    21/10/2014 / 9:56 am

    Yes ,other Mums stared ,I’m tattooed .But I’m a carer of my grandkids ,yrs I’m.dame as above letter . My tattooed arms doesn’t make me bad or lowerr than these mums.Cos I’m woman&grandnan,I care that others so critical & my grandson doesn’t get invited to kids placed or parties .Well there loss ! .

    • 21/10/2014 / 8:18 pm

      I have a few tattoos (most are hidden but some are not) and I really don’t understand the reason behind looking down at someone because they have tattoos. But with saying that I wouldn’t have thought another mum would think less of someone because they don’t go the gym and have their hair how they would have it. It’s sad that in your case your grandson misses out, there is no reason for it. Definitely their loss Deborah! Thanks for sharing your experience. xx

  2. SandiDubbaya
    21/10/2014 / 10:46 am

    I love judgey mums, they’re my favourite toy to play with, i poke holes in their snide theories, or drip condescending nicety’s on every word i respond with. Judgey mums don’t usually let fly near me & my mum friends love the lack of judgey wudgeys that bring thier kids to play, if they are judgey wudgey, they are silent about it around me! Lol!

    • 21/10/2014 / 8:37 pm

      hahaha I love it! A favourite toy. The mums in this ‘group’are very down to Earth, well I guess almost all of them. If the others aren’t they keep their opinions to themselves. The judgey wudgeys don’t really have an effect on me but their snide comments could really hurt someone else. It’s just sad that mums are not more supportive of one another. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment Sandi. xx

  3. 21/10/2014 / 12:04 pm

    Judgey women are everywhere and it kinda just gets worse once they have kids, I think? Do you? I didn’t move my kid fast enough when another’s mum’s kids were playing on the swing. My kid almost got hit by the moving swings. Oh well. WAIT- no apparently that’s supposed to be a big deal. She was fuming as she picked up my son and walked him towards me shaking her head and scowling. Calm the F down lady!
    ALSO – it can be super easy for some women to lose weight. I don’t think some realise that a fast metabolism does wonders. I eat pretty healthily (even refused ice-cream last night – hardest night of my life haha), and I still have a hard time shaking weight.
    I recently bought a gym membership again but that’s because it was heavily discounted at planet fitness and because I got $100 of the cost back with my insurer so it ended up costing around $200 for the year. SCORE! Thank you planet fitness. I haven’t been in weeks because the class conflicted with home life, and now I’m sick. Who cares. Do it for you, honey!

    • 21/10/2014 / 8:27 pm

      Yes I think it does get worse when they (the judgy women) have kids. It is almost like they feel their kids have to be superior as well and of course that becomes a contest as well. It is absolutely ridiculous!! I agree – calm the F down lady, their little legs don’t move that quick.

      I fast metabolism would be a dream but unfortunately I just wasn’t built like that. My extra weight sticks like road gum to the bottom of my shoe. That definitely is a bargain, if I could get it that cheap I’d sign up. I would even be able to afford the creche so I might even have a little time to go and sweat my arse off. But for now, it is what it is and I’m happy 🙂

  4. 21/10/2014 / 12:42 pm

    I loved your letter. It’s a shame that Mums don’t band together instead of beating each other up all the time. I think we doubt ourselves enough, right?
    You are gorgeous, by the way! Except, you really need to speak to your hairdresser about that colour 😉

    • 21/10/2014 / 8:20 pm

      I absolutely agree Sheridan. Mothers should band together and support one another instead of trying to belittle and try and crush what confidence we do have.
      Hahaha thanks and I will get right onto my hairdresser and let her know 😉

  5. 21/10/2014 / 1:40 pm

    I haven’t encountered that yet but then again I don’t talk much to people these days with my busy schedule. But I can relate to you on the gym thing. Although I do go to the gym and I have done so religiously for over a month I haven’t been in the passed week cause I wanted to stay at home with my family. I also needed to catch up on my washing as well so that was something that needed to be done.

    • 21/10/2014 / 9:07 pm

      Unfortunately something has to give when you are busy all the time, you can’t have time to do it all. I’m sure once Poppet is a bit older and at school or we magically have more money to spend, the gym will become an achievable goal. haha. It’s always nice to just enjoy your family, not so much the washing though. Thanks for taking the time to leave a comment Salz. I hope you are well. xx

  6. Stephanie Veljanovska
    22/10/2014 / 2:26 pm

    Well I think you’re hair looks Beautiful!! Screw her! hate judging mothers came across quite a few in my 3 years of being a mum even because of my age I was 24 when I had my son did not realise I was that young :/.
    My Fat bottom could really do with some dieting and the gym but unfortunately I do not have the time either . Its hard enough being a mother without being judged.

  7. 23/10/2014 / 3:22 am

    Gawd! She was grumpy! I never understand how some women can behave in this manner. I used to know one at my children’s old primary school. She wasn’t a terribly popular person as you can imagine!

  8. 26/10/2014 / 1:21 pm

    Ergh what is Wrong with people! I totally understand and am in the exact same boat regarding gym and baby/time/cost and I or you should not have to justify it to anyone! Great post.

    • 26/10/2014 / 1:28 pm

      Thanks Angela. I think this is how most woman feel but unfortunately for some reason we ‘feel’ like we have to justify it.

  9. 26/10/2014 / 4:38 pm

    Nicely said! Love you hair, screw the gym. I’d rather spend my few free hours on being with my daughter or husband or working on my blog. Next time you see this woman, turn around and walk away!

  10. 26/10/2014 / 4:38 pm

    Nicely said! Love your hair, screw the gym. I’d rather spend my few free hours on being with my daughter or husband or working on my blog. Next time you see this woman, turn around and walk away!

  11. 27/10/2014 / 9:06 am

    I’ve been thinking of writing a very similar post for months now Kell. My experience was an old couple who were sitting beside us as we were having lunch. Bub was being whingey so I gave her the teething necklace to chew on. The whole time we were eating they continued to have a conversation under their breath (but loud enough that I heard it) about how I’m such an irresponsible mother letting my daughter play with a necklace and omg she putting it in her mouth, how dare I let her put it in her mouth because its going to break off and she’ll choke on it any second. I was kinda shocked and half wanted to cry about being judged so much and half wanted to call them out on it and explain how teething necklaces work to them. I was so upset that I was just trying to soothe my baby and they were bitching about how I’m putting her in danger and being irresponsible. Its the first time I’ve ever overheard people actually talking about how bad I am as a mum and it was quite a shock.

  12. 27/10/2014 / 9:20 am

    Ditch her, she’s bad for you and isn’t the real deal. I love the way you write and think, it’s a lot like me. We need to surround ourselves with REAL mums, the ones that moan, bitch and look a bit frumpy and messy because that is what life is like. Here’s to keeping it real!

  13. 27/10/2014 / 11:24 am

    Gosh you did better than me!! I would have told her to ……. well….. I probably can’t write it here…… People like this who portray themselves to be absolutely perfect and beyond reproach…very rarely are…. It’s all an act….

    • 28/10/2014 / 10:19 pm

      Yes well I thought it best to be dignified considering we were at school. haha. But that’s not to say a million things didn’t go through my head before biting my tongue (near in half). Thanks so much for taking the time to comment Mandy. xx

  14. 27/10/2014 / 5:12 pm

    ZOMG the judgies are everywhere! I simply remind myself that their judgement says more about THEM than it does ME, and that people who are truly happy and content with their lives don’t need to judge other people to make themselves feel better.

    • 28/10/2014 / 10:16 pm

      EXACTLY! It took me a long time to feel good/comfortable about my appearance after having kids and no one is taking that away from me. We judge ourselves enough, we don’t need others doing it too.

  15. 27/10/2014 / 7:45 pm

    Grrr what a nasty piece of work she is. I hate passive aggressive people who slot bitchy comments into a conversation when no-one else is listening. Make sure you never tell her anything personal ever again! I’ve been saying for months that I want to join the gym too but Ive decided I feel that my daughter is still too little to be in the creche. Yes, Ive met judging mums before and been hurt. I try to rationalise their comments by reminding myself that the things that come out of their mouths are more about them than they are about me. Xx

    • 28/10/2014 / 10:12 pm

      What a great way to look at it Lizzy. I know it’s human nature to judge but sometimes people need to keep their opinions to themselves, especially when they are only doing it to make people feel less worthy.

  16. 28/10/2014 / 1:28 am

    Have you read any of Brené Brown’s books? She is a shame researcher and her books have completely changed the way I think. This is what she says about judgment, “We judge people in areas where we’re vulnerable to shame, especially picking folks who are doing worse than we’re doing. If I feel good about my parenting, I have no interest in judging other people’s choices. If I feel good about my body, I don’t go around making fun of other people’s weight or appearance. We’re hard on each other because we’re using each other as a launching pad out of our own perceived deficiency.” If another Mum is judging you then it is because deep down inside she is struggling with shame. How very sad! My question is.. why do you feel the need to respond? Mama you are doing fine and you have no need to defend your choices. Thinking about her snarky comments it is a waste of brain space. You are enough just as you are. Thanks for linking up with Mummy Mondays #Team MM

    • 28/10/2014 / 10:07 pm

      I haven’t read Brene Brown’s books before but it sounds like it would be a great read. It has taken me 7 years (since the birth of my first child) to feel comfortable and confident in my skin and I know there are many mums who struggle with this exact lack of self esteem. This letter wasn’t so much about responding but more about letting other mums know they aren’t alone, that it is ok they have different priorities to other mums and that regardless what anyone says, they are fine.
      Thanks so much for stopping by Sharon. xx

  17. 29/10/2014 / 12:32 am

    She does not sound very nice at all and this is me being polite. If I were you, I will not ever want to converse with her anymore – she has not right! Well written letter, everything well said and your hair looks just beautiful, there is no issue there that I can see and neither do you need to go to the gym right now, kiddies grow up way too fast and we will never get those moments back so it’s important that we spend as much time as we can with them so I’m totally with you on that! Chin up and smile huni you are doing a fabulous job! X

    • 31/10/2014 / 2:50 pm

      Oh thanks so much Winnie! Yes I agree, our kids grow up so fast and we won’t get those moments back. I’m happy to just keep going how these are at the moment. Have a wonderful day.

  18. 29/10/2014 / 11:29 pm

    ohh man i so dont have time for that rubbish. i do consider my blog and all its extras work and i work alot, i also have three kids and i do go to the gym (stop laughing i can hear that from here!) and i have lots of things that i consider more important than hanging out with those kinda people. Coincidently i did have my bi annual haircut this week and my hairdresser did say next time she wants to do my colour…. hmm maybe she was trying to tell me something.
    bugger it you dont have to socialise with people like that. lifes to short to have people who dont matter in it. xx

    • 31/10/2014 / 2:52 pm

      oh absolutely it’s work! It takes more time than I’d like to admit but a lot of it is done late at night when the kids are in bed. We need more hours in the day to get everything done and maybe find some ‘me’ time.
      Hahaha maybe she just meant it is time to treat yourself?!

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