Toddlers are just so adorable aren’t they? Rosy cheeks, sticky hands, sweet smiles and… Yeah, that’s it actually.
The reality we need to face is that whilst these tiny versions of ourselves are heart-crushingly adorable, they’re often complete and total pains in the you-know-what. Let’s cut the cutesy crap and get real. A lot of the times, toddlers are the absolute worst.
1. Toddler Tantrums
Good. Grief. No list about the ways toddlers can really, really suck sometimes can possibly start without talking about toddler tantrums. It’s amazing how someone so small and cute from go to 0 to 100 in the space of about a half second about something so minor. Wrong cup? Meltdown. Right cup on wrong table? Meltdown. All the cups? MELTDOWN.
Toddler tantrums are part and parcel of running the gauntlet that is parenthood. While we try and breathe and remember that they’re the result of tiny people processing big emotions, it’s certainly difficult to keep your cool when your kid is flipping the hell out in the international food aisle at Coles because they’re not allowed to push the trolley that they’re too short to reach.
2. Toilet Training
Yeeeesh. Nothing quite says ‘glamorous’ like toddler toilet training. Pre-parenthood you would have never expected wees and poos to dominate so many of your conversations but suddenly here you are, racing through a shopping centre holding a crying child who is leaking all over your top. Heaven forbid a spruiker try and stop you for a chat lest they cop a deft spray of urine to the face as well!
3. The Omnipresent Toddler
Wherever you are, there they are. The toddler has a knack for finding you at that very moment you need a little shoosh (like making an important phone call or doing something incredibly luxurious and selfish like sitting on the toilet) and loudly trumpeting all of their opinions about every single topic under the sun.
Their omnipresence extends to all areas of life – both in and out of the house. Breathing their sweet little breath down the back of your neck, sleeping with their hands touching your face and enveloping you with their constant stickiness makes you sometimes feel like you literally need a spatula to pry them off you.
4. The Great Imitator
You ask them to say please and thank you. You encourage them to use full words to ask for what they want. All of it falls on deaf ears but heaven forbid you quietly let slip with one little swear word and suddenly it’s formed the entirety of their vocabulary!
Any adult turns of phrase, off-colour expressions or just ‘things you generally don’t want your kid to repeat’ (like your opinions on your mother in law) are sure to be repeated ad nauseam at incredibly high volume for the rest of time. Yeesh!
5. The Toddler Tornado
You just cleaned the whole house? Cute. Real cute. Get set for the toddler tornado.
Let your guard down around toddlers for one minute and suddenly your pristine walls are covered in hand-prints, the cat’s been shaved, the kitchen cupboards are completely upended and every piece of jewellery you ever owned is now in the hair of your Carmen-Miranda-impersonating three-year-old. They’re like a force of nature. A cute but horrible force of nature.
6. The Shopping Companion
Aaaaah, a relaxing trip to the shops.
No, wait, you have a toddler.
Toddler tantrums in the aisles, gimme gimme gimme and weird random napping in the trolley are just the start of the joys that await you when you take toddlers shopping.
Hot tip? GO BY YOURSELF IF YOU CAN. You’ll have never felt so free, you’ll basically be cartwheeling down the shopping centre.
7. The Social Commentator
Toddlers are renowned for saying whatever’s on their mind. Loudly. Commenting on people’s weight, disabilities, appearances and dress sense. It’s the ultimate cringe when your child starts riffing like a bad standup comedian about the people they see around them.
And the people can HEAR what they’ve said.
8. The Flip-Flopper
Your toddler expressed that they loved their dinner last night so, like the fool you are, you stocked up. What a shame that they now hate it with the fire of a thousand suns.
Toddlers are the world’s worst flip-floppers. They love things and then hate them so fast your head will spin.
9. That’s Mine
Accept it. Everything that ever is, was or will be in your home is now your toddlers’. Their only concept of ‘share’ is when you have something that they want. They cannot share, they will not share and how very dare you suggest otherwise.
10. The Childcare Changeling
Perhaps one of the most frustrating things about toddlers is the fact that they’re SO DIFFERENT for other people. You’ll get reports from childcare about how they ate all their lunch, napped happily and played nicely with others. Then they get home and suddenly morph into the world’s tiniest dictator. All hail the toddler overlord.
Toddlers are overrated!
There is so much to love about these little angels of course, but sometimes you just gotta tell the truth as well. Tell us – what does your toddler do that drives you BONKERS?
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